Note: The following interview was conducted with select hydrothermal features in the Upper Geyser Basin. Old Faithful, on the advice of its agent, declined comment.DaveD: Describe a typical “day in the life” at Upper Geyser Basin.
Anemone Geyser: Each day is really unique - different folks, different reactions, different weather can all cause us to behave in different ways. We really like to play to the crowd. I recall this one Saturday back in June of ‘97...
Plume Geyser (interrupting): Each day is really unique? I don‘t think so! I’ll tell you how it is: folks walk up to the visitors’ center, check the predicted eruption time for that prima donna over there, stand around getting their cameras ready, waiting for the show. Then they take lots of pictures that’ll all look the same in the end, and, once it’s over, they all clap and hoot and holler like a panda just gave birth in captivity. And only then, just maybe, they’ll take the time to actually walk a bit and see what the rest of us have to offer.
Beehive Geyser: I hear that! One of these days, that old bitch is gonna run outta steam; then the rest of us’ll get our due. I still don’t get all the fuss - where’s the spontaneity? Predictable is boring, if you ask me.
PG: Who cares about predictable - we’re not in Switzerland!
AG: I think you’re missing the point. Americans like dependability. It’s like that Chevy trucks commercial with the song by John Mellencamp.
Lion Geyser: Don’t get me started. Thanks to that over-played ad, I turned off the TV in the middle of the Super Bowl. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I’m a Colts’ fan. And it ain’t like O.F. is all that predictable, anyhow. There’s a ten minute margin of error either way. Go in the visitors’ center and look it up. I’m telling you, that’s one over-rated geyser, right there.
DD: Perhaps I’m detecting a bit of jealousy here. Is that a fair statement?
LG: Look, Bud, here’s how it is: that old bag ain’t the tallest, ain’t the most colorful, ain’t even the busiest. You got Grand Geyser, the tallest-spouting predictable geyser in the world. Grand Prismatic, just up the road, is one of the loveliest of our kind. Crested Pool is almost constantly boiling, not waiting an hour between activity. And Riverside Geyser erupts for twenty minutes at a time. Now that’s stayin’ power, baby!
BG: I’m telling you, if I knew it was all about having an agent, I would’ve signed up long ago.
(Ed. Note: Several mud pots, requesting anonymity, nodded in agreement, and the interview came to an abrupt end when DD was nearly scalded by an angered Giantess Geyser.)
